lately, I've been thinking.
and I have been thinking a lot about purity and just what it means to be pure in front of God. to know what it is like to wake up in the morning and know that when God looks down on me, He sees me as someone who is blameless and whole. fresh and white as new fallen snow. so, I began to think, to search, and to find an answer that would carry me from the morning into the night.
here is a little back story……
a majority of my life, I have really hated the look of myself, a lot. I have been told by various people in round about ways that I was worthless, and that I wasn't good enough. I believed them. I accepted what they had to say and let it nestle within my heart, within my mind. I became those words. I became what I wasn't supposed to be. I became what I wasn't created for, but I liked it.
I liked that I wasn't living the way everyone thought I was. I liked that I had let this monster come inside of me and turn me into something that I wasn't supposed to be. I liked the darkness. I let the hatred open up my very being and make a home. I was two people. I had two faces. but to tell someone that was simply out of the question.
I let my circumstances define me and I did everything in my power to take control of who I was. but the harsh and bitter truth still slapped me in the face. I wasn't Hannah. I wasn't even trying to be Hannah. I walked down this alley with absolutely no intent of turning around. I didn't want to turn around. I loved having this secret that no one knew about. my friends, my teachers, my parents, my family, my church: all oblivious to the secret world that I was trapped in. a trap that I kept rolling around in, but never making a conscience effort to escape. I liked it. I liked the fact that I had a secret and no one could say they understood me. I loved the mystery. I was fascinated.
but what was I fascinated in? the feelings, the emotions, the SIN. yes. all of it captivated me. it seduced me. seduced me to the point of wrecking my life, or so I thought.
I, Hannah Ford, was addicted to PORNOGRAPHY for 4 years. 4 long, dark, lonely years.
I found my worth in the secret and I tried my hardest to fill a void in my life that nothing could satisfy. I shopped, looked around, and explored other options to rid myself of this awful thing that had become part of me, but nothing seemed to catch my attention. I wanted to stop, I wanted to quit so bad, but something about sin and Satan lured me in. with every one step forward, I took three steps back.
the pain.
the shame.
the guilt.
the hurt.
the loneliness.
the deceit.
the lying.
all of it strangled me into the ball of worthlessness and shoved me into a corner. it told me I was nothing. it beat me down to a pulp. it hit me. it scarred me. it ripped me apart and left me for dead. left me in the pouring rain, shivering, helpless, and broken.
BUT GOD.
BUT GOD.
BUT GOD.
BUT GOD.
God happened. and that was it.
So, I say all of this to tell you why I threw my purity in the trash.
after a few weeks into August 2014, the beginning to my Junior year of college, I had to attend a leadership training weekend held on campus. after the first night, out of nowhere, me and this other kid decided to be funny and make this fake proposal. we were obviously just kidding. he took a ring that was already on my finger and used it to propose. his name is Jon Andrews. and whether he knows this or not, he helped me in a huge way that night.
obviously, I said yes, but as you read above, it was a joke. however, some people thought it was real. so, naturally, we decided to go with. as a joke of course.
later on, maybe 6 days had passed, I decided to go out and eat, and as I was finishing up my meal, I realized that my purity ring, the ring that Jon had "proposed" to me with, was sitting on the tray. I watched it fall into the trash can. I couldn't take it back, and I couldn't go get it. I was crushed. I had made such an effort to get a ring and wear it as a reminder that I am pure in Christ. also, I wore it for other people to know and recognize that I had made a covenant to myself, but more importantly to God.
and there it went, down the trash, at a Japanese restaurant. I threw my purity away at a Japanese restaurant.
but it was just a ring. just a ring.
I came to realize in that moment, that I had put all of my effort and care into the ring. Into the advertisement that the ring displayed. into the image. into what people thought of me. I made it my idol.
How could I show people I was pure if I didn't have a ring?
well, here is where I am now.
I'm pure, and I know that I am pure in the eyes of the Lord. I know that my true identity is found in Him and that I don't need a ring to tell me or the world anything. my life should be an example. my story should show that not only am I sexually pure in His sight but I am pure altogether. white as snow. clean. dignified. whole. sanctified. righteous. everything is new. I AM WHOLE.
for so long I had felt dirty, I felt worthless, I felt like scum. no matter how many showers I took, it didn't fix anything. that was it. I had ruined my future marriage and, more importantly, I had ruined my purity in Christ.
but I was wrong, gosh I was so wrong.
I had to take off my ring, my idol, and realize what I really wanted. I wanted God.
I had chased to many wordily things for too long. I couldn't get over the fact that a majority of my life I had let sin define me and control me. I had let the claws of sin grab me by the hand and drag me behind them in the dirt and the mud. all the while, I would try and reach up for God's hand, which was always open and waiting, but it seemed that every time I reach up, millimeters separated us. I tried and tried, but failed. but, honestly, my failure was my choice. I let sin's nails dig into my life and control me and my actions.
finally, I was done. it was over.
"for when I am weak, then I am strong……" 2 Corinthians 12:10
I mustered the strength that I had left and rose, rose from the dust and the ashes and stretched myself enough to reach up for God.
so, this is where I am. I'm not perfect, I'm not even close. but, I saw this to maybe help someone. I woke up thinking that I was passed the point of return. that was it, there was no escape. I was trapped inside my own body, a prisoner.
but God..
God broke the gates of my prison cell and pulled me to the cross, the feet of His only Son. to stay, to meditate, to rest, and to find completeness there.
so, yes, I threw my purity in the trash, but with it, I threw away my shame.
but, unlike how I didn't go after my ring, when Satan threw me in the trash, God didn't take a moment to think about digging me out. no matter how deep and dirty I had pushed myself into the mess of sin, God was right behind me holding his hand out, waiting for me to turn around and grab it.
I'm not saying for you to take your purity ring off, in any means at all, but I am saying that you need to grab onto God's hand, hold it tight, and never let it go.
